A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn’t eat them.
“We can’t chew them because we’ve got no teeth”, she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”
The little old lady replies, “We just love the chocolate around them!!”
In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.
The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, “Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I’m afraid your going to have to leave.”
“No” They blonde replies.
“Why not?” questions the waiter.
“The carton says “concentrate”.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in…..AMERICA…..
Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, ‘Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?’
The old woman looked up at her and said, ‘Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your behind and open it.’
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
A blonde and a brunette where driving down the road when there car broke down.
The brunette says “I’ll get some chips and and something to drink.”
The blonde say’s I’ll bring the door in case we get hot.”
Why did a group of Columbians run away from the computer lab?
Because… The computer said, “You have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown!”
If Life Were Like A Computer:
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.”
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, “Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
“The guy says, “Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, an’ ma name’s Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?”The fella says, “Naw, you’re right. . . I’d hate to have to explain it three times!”