Adult Jokes

 adult humor jokes

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea”, said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!” Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.”Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!”

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin “Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!” “Amen,” replied the congregation.

 dirty adult jokes

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure,” he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, “Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says,

“Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

 funny adult jokes

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

 adult jokes

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his arse!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It fucking hurts doesn’t it!”