Day: March 15, 2012

 Yo mama jokes

Yo mamas so fat… when her beeper goes off, people thinks she is backing up!

 Yo mama jokes

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy , M&M’s.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size, you dummy!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

 Practical jokes

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, ‘whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. “He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

 Practical jokes

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, “What are all those clocks?”

Saint Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

“Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.

“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

 Practical jokes

The buzzword of this election is “CHANGE.” Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Just that we need CHANGE!

This brings to mind the following illustration.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the “Gunny” that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The “Gunny” responded, “Aye, aye, sir. I’ll see to it immediately. ”

He went into the tent and said, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ….”

“Change, now get on with it”

And the moral is:

A candidate may promise change in Washington … but the stink remains!

 Woman jokes

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.”

 Men jokes

Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.

The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.

The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.

 Men joke

A man comes home from the office and tells his wife he had a frustrating day at work.

“Ahhhhh, tell me all about your day honey,” his wife says.

The husband looks at her and says, “Well.. I just did.”

 Men jokes

Most folks believe that Ben Franklin discovered electricity with his famous kite experiment.

Actually, a women made that discovery possible.

The real story was that Ben Franklin was laying in bed with his wife one night, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

She told him to go fly a kite. The rest is history.

 Christmas joke

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. “If you get a train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?”

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, “Another train.”