“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”
The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, ‘Barbie goes to the gym’for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95…
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 …
and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.”
“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”
A older couple are driving down the highway when another car passed them.
The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise down the highway.
This causes the woman to think back to when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.
Finally she says to her husband, “Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?” He quietly replied, “I haven’t moved….”
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
“Have you any grounds”?
“Yes, an acre and half and nice little home”.
“No, I meant what is the foundation of this case”?
It’s made of concrete
“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge”?
“No, we have carport, and not need one”.
I mean, what are your relations like?
“All my relations still in Poland”.
“Is there any infidelity in your marriage”?
“We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player”.
“Does your wife beat you up”?
“No, I always up before her”.
“Is your wife a nagger”?
“No, she white”.
“Why do you want this divorce”?
“She going to kill me”.
“What makes you think that”?
“I got proof”.
“What kind of proof”?
“She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.